Someone said to me today:
Just because your are down in a dark hole doesn't mean the light can't get in
I like that.
Sunday, January 1, 2012
Its New Years Day. Part of me wants to be all "Super-Mom" and write an uplifting post and lists of goals for the new year, and the other half of me wants to shout - sod off I have enough to be doing without putting more pressure on myself just because of a date! I'm listening to the latter.
Recently I have been diagnosed with Diabetes. I was floored. I suppose being so overweight it shouldn't have been such a shock,but it was. It was the one thing I didn't want to "catch". My mother sees it as a death sentence. She says, you better loose the weight now or you'll end up with diabetes and loose your legs and go blind and die. Yes she did. I'm not exaggerating. Needless to say I haven't told her - yet. I suppose I will have to tell her some time. For now I am going to tell her I am on a diet. When I first put my sons on medication (Autism/ADHDetc) I didn't tell her for about 6 months until she saw a difference. Even now, she is dead against medication of any sort. I quite like medication, it saved my life, when I was severely depressed it kept me alive and I mean that! So today I told a friend of mine about the diabetes,she was very supportive, she hugged and hugged me. I felt loved and cared for. She said all the right things and then she said, you just have to take care of yourself and you'll be fine, and without thinking I said yeah I'd rather be looking after someone else, and she said well maybe thats the point you will now be forced to look after yourself for a change. Mmmm. That hit me. I would really rather help someone than be helped myself, or even put my needs above someone elses. Now I don't think I am anything great for that, but it is easier to be the giver than receiver. It has passed though my mind that I will have to mind myself now, and I smiled, Oh now I have an excuse to get pedicures. Flippant I know, but with a grain of truth. I can't believe it happened to me. Looking at me for the outside you would say something like no sh*t Sherlock - but I hoped I would be the lucky one. I'm not. I have a life long, life threatening illness. Some days are easier than others. Today was hard emotionally. I didn't get much exercises either and I feel bad about that. I am wearing a step counter, and I'm only around 800 steps today, thats terrible. On my record sheet it says, semi mobile for that amount of steps. My goal for the moment is about 3 - 4000 and I got just over 3000 on Christmas Eve. I was wrecked! I think I will be writing alot about how I deal with this and trying to make sense of it.
Recently I have been diagnosed with Diabetes. I was floored. I suppose being so overweight it shouldn't have been such a shock,but it was. It was the one thing I didn't want to "catch". My mother sees it as a death sentence. She says, you better loose the weight now or you'll end up with diabetes and loose your legs and go blind and die. Yes she did. I'm not exaggerating. Needless to say I haven't told her - yet. I suppose I will have to tell her some time. For now I am going to tell her I am on a diet. When I first put my sons on medication (Autism/ADHDetc) I didn't tell her for about 6 months until she saw a difference. Even now, she is dead against medication of any sort. I quite like medication, it saved my life, when I was severely depressed it kept me alive and I mean that! So today I told a friend of mine about the diabetes,she was very supportive, she hugged and hugged me. I felt loved and cared for. She said all the right things and then she said, you just have to take care of yourself and you'll be fine, and without thinking I said yeah I'd rather be looking after someone else, and she said well maybe thats the point you will now be forced to look after yourself for a change. Mmmm. That hit me. I would really rather help someone than be helped myself, or even put my needs above someone elses. Now I don't think I am anything great for that, but it is easier to be the giver than receiver. It has passed though my mind that I will have to mind myself now, and I smiled, Oh now I have an excuse to get pedicures. Flippant I know, but with a grain of truth. I can't believe it happened to me. Looking at me for the outside you would say something like no sh*t Sherlock - but I hoped I would be the lucky one. I'm not. I have a life long, life threatening illness. Some days are easier than others. Today was hard emotionally. I didn't get much exercises either and I feel bad about that. I am wearing a step counter, and I'm only around 800 steps today, thats terrible. On my record sheet it says, semi mobile for that amount of steps. My goal for the moment is about 3 - 4000 and I got just over 3000 on Christmas Eve. I was wrecked! I think I will be writing alot about how I deal with this and trying to make sense of it.
Saturday, December 31, 2011
battling the darkness
I have been battling with depression for a number of years. Almost 10 years diagnosed but I feel it was there much longer than that. I feel it is a battle and it is darkness. I hate (I use that word specifically) the darkness. Of every kind. I really hate the long dark winter evenings. I love lots of lights on in the house, each room with a different glow. I hate the change in times, summer time to winter, day light savings, what ever it is called where ever it is, I hate it. There is such hope it light. I know it sounds a bit of a cliche but I feel it, actually feel it. I love to turn my face to the sun, winter or summer and drink it in. I don't like heat all that much but I love the sunshine. It really has an affect on me.
My diagnosis is Severe Depressive Episodes. It started off as Post Natal Depression. Oh Boy that hit hard. I will post about that another time. The PND never left. Some light came in, I could feel some sunshine, but after the birth of my second child, 3 years later, it hit again, fast and hard. Now 7 years after his birth, it has rounded out into Depression, with a side of anxiety and low self esteem. I really would like to be rid of it. I want to gouge it out, pick at it like a scab until I bleed until it is all gone. I do feel hope now, I feel it swirling around my ankles like the tide coming in, I'M STUCK in the sand though. I hope that this "safe place" will help me bring the tide in around me. I want the goodness and light to wash over me and rid me of the blackness. I feel this is a good a time as any to hope for a newness, a new year, a new beginning. We shall see ...
Introduction
I have been feeling for some time that I need a space to write, to air my laundry. I feel it is theraputic, and it free so here I am about to stumble my way through the mishaps of my thinking. I hope you like it and if you don't like it I hope it makes you think, I hope it makes you stop for a second in your non blog world. I know, it may be "great expectations" but I start out as I mean to go on, honestly.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)